Thanks for the Feedback: The 3 Triggers That Derail Feedback

We’ve actually got it backwards!

All of this drives us to double down on “how to give feedback well.” But look deeper, the data reflect a real issue Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen expose in their book, Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well:

No matter how skillfully feedback is given, the receiver ultimately controls its effectiveness.

• Book: Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well
• Authors: Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen
• Publisher: Penguin Books, 2014

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What Thanks for the Feedback Offers: A Framework for Receiving Feedback Well

From their experience working with a wide range of people while writing their earlier book, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most, Stone and Heen learned that feedback conversations are among the most difficult we have, for both givers and receivers, whether the feedback is positive or negative.

But more importantly, their studies revealed that the key player in this dynamic is the feedback receiver, not the feedback giver.

As long as we have self-agency, we will control how we receive feedback. And if we are serious about our own growth and improvement, our only choice is to get good at receiving feedback well.

But here is a twist, after reading Thanks for the Feedback multiple times over the last decade and reflecting on my own professional growth (success and mistakes), I believe:

You can’t get good at giving feedback well until you get better at receiving feedback well.

Feedback Triggers in the Workplace

Inevitably, when we receive feedback, we feel something: honored, confused, motivated, flustered… These feelings are responses to the feedback triggers: truth, relationship, and identity.

1. Truth Triggers – The feedback feels wrong, unhelpful, or untrue. We focus on defending our position rather than understanding their perspective.
2. Relationship Triggers – We react to who is giving the feedback rather than what they’re saying. Credibility, trust, or past interactions color our hearing.
3. Identity Triggers – The feedback threatens how we see ourselves. Even when accurate, it shakes our sense of identity and competence.

Understanding these feedback triggers empowers us to manage ourselves and the feedback conversation more constructively.

This is how Thanks for the Feedback is organized: 2-3 chapters for each individual feedback trigger, with specific techniques for receiving feedback well and having better feedback conversations.

The Feedback Conversation

Stone and Heen want us to be better at recognizing feedback triggers so we can improve the feedback conversation.

A feedback conversation is a structured, two-way dialogue to discuss observed behaviors, performance, and development. For Stone and Heen, it is important for the receiver to be actively engaged in the conversation and to provide the giver feedback on the feedback.

They step through the feedback conversation, discussing how to navigate it as a receiver and how, when, and where to influence the feedback conversation.

We can only control one side of the feedback conversation, but that directly influences the other side of the conversation.

Why Thanks for the Feedback Matters for Today’s Leaders

While the book is generally oriented to personal feedback, it is also relevant to organizational and operational feedback loops.

We are constantly receiving feedback, as individuals, leaders, teams, projects, products, systems, and operations. And those feedback loops that took months now operate in days, even hours.

The ability to receive feedback well has become a competitive advantage: professionally, organizationally, and commercially. And since we can’t control the feedback giver, it all comes down to understanding our feedback triggers and having constructive feedback conversations.

Key Strategies for Receiving Feedback Well

The Three Types of Feedback

When someone gives us feedback, we immediately begin interpreting what we are hearing. Once we get our wires crossed, if what we are hearing is different than what is trying to be said, the crossed wires can be difficult to untangle.

So it is helpful to avoid crossing wires by validating what you are hearing; ”What I understand you to be saying is…”. Your goal is to ensure alignment around the intent of the feedback.

In Thanks for the Feedback, Stone and Heen illustrate that there are three basic types of feedback:

• Appreciation (thanks, I see you)
• Coaching (here’s how to improve)
• Evaluation (here’s where you stand)

Knowing the type of feedback being offered is crucial to receiving it well. The book walks us through recognizing the feedback being offered and influencing the feedback conversation to get the feedback we need.

Understand Your Feedback Triggers

The book’s most valuable contribution is helping us recognize which feedback trigger is being activated.

Truth triggers make us argue about facts. The antidote? Get curious about their perspective. Ask: “Help me understand what you’re seeing that I’m not seeing.” Separate their observation (data) from their interpretation (meaning) from their advice (what to do).

Relationship triggers make us qualify the message to who the messenger is. The solution? Separate the relationship issue from the feedback content. You can have both conversations, but don’t let relationship problems block you from hearing potentially valid feedback.

Identity triggers associate feedback with personal validation or personal attack. These hit hardest. The strategy? Recognize when you’re in identity mode. Step back, breathe, and remember: feedback is about improving actions, not proving worth.

The “AND” Stance Versus the “OR” Stance

One of Thanks for the Feedback’s most powerful techniques is shifting from “OR” thinking to “AND” thinking when receiving difficult feedback.

“OR” thinking: Either they’re right and I’m wrong, OR I’m right and they’re wrong.

“AND” thinking: They see something from their perspective AND I see something from mine. Both can be true.

This shift transforms feedback from a contest of competing realities into collaborative conversation. We stop defending and start exploring: “What are they seeing that I’m not? What am I seeing that they’re not? How do we put these perspectives together?”

What Thanks for the Feedback Doesn’t Cover

Thanks for the Feedback focuses on the receiver. While there is a very helpful final chapter on performance evaluation systems and techniques for giving feedback, depth on these subjects is beyond the scope of the book.

Likewise, while the book thoroughly discusses receiving coaching, an essential skill for individual growth and improvement, becoming a good coach is the domain of other books.

Conclusion: Transform How You Learn and Grow

Stone and Heen deliver a practical, psychologically grounded framework for one of work’s most persistent challenges: receiving feedback in ways that actually help us improve.

They write with clarity and respect, acknowledging how difficult receiving feedback truly is while refusing to let that difficulty become an excuse. Thanks for the Feedback doesn’t ask us to like feedback—it gives us tools to use it anyway.

Further, these lessons are so well grounded we can see them manifest in other works, such as:

• The principles of lateral leadership in Getting It Done
• The skills of principled negotiation in Getting To Yes
• The understanding of resistance to change as feedback in Untapped Agility

Who Should Read Thanks for the Feedback?

Anyone who receives feedback—which is to say, everyone—will benefit from this book.

• Professionals, whether seeking career growth or sustainability, who need to ensure their learning and development
• Individual contributors working in collaborative environments where peer feedback is regular
• Anyone who provides a deliverable, service, or product to others who seek to ensure its quality and utility

It’s equally important for people who regularly give feedback. Understanding the receiver’s experience makes you a far more effective coach and mentor.

Bottom Line: Essential Skills for Professional Growth

Thanks for the Feedback is recommended for professionals at any level who want to accelerate their learning and strengthen their working relationships. The book provides actionable techniques for managing the emotional triggers that might undermine valuable feedback.

(It is also very applicable to our personal lives and relationships.)

Stone and Heen don’t promise to make receiving feedback easy or comfortable. They promise something better: to make it useful. They deliver on that promise with research-grounded insights, practical frameworks, and a genuine understanding of why receiving feedback is so hard.

Thanks for the Feedback is not a feel-good book about embracing criticism. It’s a pragmatic guide to the messy, uncomfortable, essential work of learning from others—even when feedback is off-base, unfair, poorly delivered, or you’re just not in the mood.

This post contains affiliate links. If you purchase through these links, we may earn a commission at no extra cost to you. Doing so supports this website and our ability to bring you these book reviews and other content. We genuinely appreciate your support and take our responsibility to provide quality, honest, and human-generated content to professionals like you seriously.

About the Authors: Douglas Stone & Sheila Heen

Douglas Stone is a Lecturer on Law at Harvard Law School and a founding partner of Triad Consulting. Along with Sheila Heen and Bruce Patton, he co-authored the international bestseller Difficult Conversations. Stone specializes in helping organizations and individuals navigate challenging conversations and has worked with corporate clients, government agencies, and nonprofits worldwide.

Sheila Heen is a Lecturer on Law at Harvard Law School and CEO of Triad Consulting. She has spent decades with the Harvard Negotiation Project, teaching negotiation and difficult conversations. Heen works with executive teams facing strong disagreement and high emotions, bringing the insights from this work to Thanks for the Feedback. Her client experience spans six continents and includes the White House, Singapore Supreme Court, and numerous corporate and nonprofit organizations.

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